Week Three

I'm not sure I've mentioned this anywhere before, but I recently began seeking therapy to help me connect, discover and understand the vast wave of emotions I feel sometimes everyday, sometimes once a week, sometimes once a month, and sometimes for (what I think is) no reason at all.

Today and this week was full of breakthroughs. I mean, ok, I am in a relationship, and I'm a girl, so there are tons of the boy vs. girl ways of doing things, thoughts, ideas, expectations, communication, etc. But most of the time I"m walking around thinking I'm being absolutely crazy for no reason and that I"m going to ruin something so great and incredible. Come to find out (and I'm a little ticked at my Dr. about this one) that my hypothyroid (slow thyroid, thus resulting in a slow metabolism and weight gain) has a HUGE impact on my mood, emotions, how I'm feeling sexually -- basically the whole she-bang. And this whole time I was thinking it was just b/c I had residual issues from an ex bf and past relationship that I'm OVER but insist on carrying around useless baggage from it throughout my new and current relationship.

Ok, so there is a little of that, mixed with the hormones I'm getting from being on birth control (for the first time in my life - it's been a year now, but still), the passing of my father which is ultimately the culmination of all my emotional issues and outburts (it's rock bottom), and the way I was brought up and grew up in this house with my parents and their not-so-graceful ways of arguing and unhealthy patterns.

Finally! I have discovered reasons to my madness! It's not just out of no where, I feel this way for a reason. Many reasons in fact, that I can't just push down and move on as if I'm a different person. I have to deal with them everyday, in every aspect of my life. I need to learn how to work with them, and then let them go.

Today I have started a journey, back to the "girl I used to be" that I so often refer to. Who is she anyway? I'm not sure I even know anymore... maybe I will reinvent her. Become someone new, someone better, someone more relaxed and in-tune with their feelings and emotions. Someone less 'crazy.'