Rituals & Routines

after having such a chaotic life like most college kids and early 20 yo's, filled with ups and downs, everchanging shedules, unpredictability, all i wanted and all i dreampt about was getting over it and moving on so i could start anew again. and of course the moment i thought i'd be freed from all of that to start my own life and my own routine (graduation), my father was diagnosed with cancer and everything involving my life was immediately thrown to the sidelines for a while (1.5 yrs to be exact).

yes, i worked, met new people, still went out, and even backpacked europe and found a boyfriend upon my return (still not quite sure how that happened -- i thought i would end up at 28 yo spinster, seriously), but it was never 100 percent completely enjoyable, knowing that i had this whole other, huge thing to deal with involving my dad. that was a huge part of my schedule, and my struggle.

now that he has left us and is resting peacefully (it's still painful and sad), i still don't feel like everything is back to the assumed and predisposed 'norm' of 100 percent enjoyability (i might have just made up that word -- go with me), BUT what it does mean is that i no longer feel overwelmed with guilt or anxiety or stressed out about any of it. well, i'm finally feeling less of it -- it takes a while for your to regain your independence after you stop being a caretaker and so invested in someone who is sick -- it's definitely been a slow withdrawl. but since i left home for college, i finally feel like i am able to focus solely on myself again, and that i am getting back to that place i dream of. i have fulfilled my craving and relentless desire for a schedule (a job + income) and i have room in my life to make new rituals and routines, such as sunday night dinners with my mom, monday night date night, and a new one that has started with my new job: friday post-work-week happy hours.

i will never stop saying how strange i feel for (at the moment) being completely enamored with my new job (in an office), set schedule, and consistent overall organization. it makes my life easier. it motivates me to get everything else in my life organized and running smoothly like a well-oiled machine. for the first time in a while, i can finally see [my life] somewhat laid out in front of me, and i know how to work with it. i know what needs to be done to get to my goals, and i'm doing it.

finally, i have some structure.



*first photo from rao's in amherst; last three from sicily 2009 <333