one year

to say that the last week pulled a complete 180 on me and was [a term i so love to use] a hot mess, would be an understatement.  in the span of a week i:

• had my car broken into [window smashed] for the second time
• found out that my boss is leaving our company [this week]
• celebrated / dealt with the one year anniversary of my dad's death

just writing all of that down feels hard to do.  after highly anticipating and looking forward to a reunion weekend spent in new york [park slope, brooklyn to be exact] with family to visit my dad's grave on his one year anniversary weekend, i was more than surprised at the amount of intense emotion, anger and sadness that we all felt, myself included. 

it was almost too much to handle; too much to deal with; too much to look at right in the face.  three days felt like the longest weekend of my life.  and what a reality i have come home to: a potential new promotion and/or raise at work [equal parts exciting and terrifying due to my new and heavy workload i'll be taking on], a broken car window still waiting to be fixed [and then figuring out what i'm going to do with said car when it is fixed - should i keep parking it at my apartment in DC? should i leave it in the garage at work? should i get rid of the curse of a car altogether?], and the sadness i feel after [what i am referring to as my first panic attack] a huge blow out and literal explosion of feelings towards an older cousin of mine, one who i actually consider my brother.

the one thing that is missing in this equation and crockpot of a weekend is the feeling that i celebrated my dad's one year anniversary.  should i even have "celebrated" it, and what do i even mean when i say that?  i'm not really sure how we should have gone about it, but i do wish that there was less drama, and more rememberance and love for my dad.  he was kind of a mess, but in the best of ways [and part of me feels like our weekend was an appropriate scenario for remembering him since we were all such big messes]. 

and as always, in true form, it's only natural for me to remember and see the good in the bad and ugly, and to always stay positive when life seems to veer off course into unknown and scary territory.

this is probably the most obnoxious trait of mine, but it's just not in my personality to dwell on the horrible events that happen.  for a period of time it is, and i certainly do let myself get down, but i just can't let these things ruin everything else that i have going for myself.  it's just not the way i want to be living my life.

so here it is, the good within in the bad:

• coming home to a beautiful spread on our dining room table [courtesy of kas] after my crazy day at work on thursday
• spending this weekend playing and bonding with my amazing niece, and feeling grateful to have the opportunity to see her often and watch her grow-up [she's such a little lady already at the age of five]
• having the opportunity to truly speak my mind for the first time in my life, and even though it has slightly damaged the relationship i have, and created a huge space between my "brother" and i, this is actually a huge step for me to finally be able to speak up for myself and defend myself and to not be that extremely passive and people pleasing person

anyway, so that is where i stand as of today.  that explains the recent lack of posts and the missing music monday [again].  this week i hope to post things that i enjoy and things that make me happy, but i can't promise that it will include any form of regular posting, for now.  time to take a step back, re-evaluate, rest, heal, surround myself with positive vibes and positive people, and begin again.

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